How One Cervivor Marks Important Milestones

On May 26, 2017 I found out my entire reproductive system needed to be removed when I received a cancer diagnosis over the phone: grade one endometrial cancer. The gynecologist said I would receive a call from oncology that day and that they were deeply sorry. One week prior, I’d received an acceptance letter into the accelerated MSW program. The start of that semester was not to be. I had hopes to begin the following cohort. 

Lorie’s original diagnosis

I was wheeled into surgery in July, eyes still damp from tears. Within a week of surgery, I received news that my grade one endometrial cancer was instead invasive grade two cervical cancer. Oncology apologized for the unexpected diagnosis. The tumor board suggested daily high dose pelvic radiation with concurrent weekly platinum chemo. I stood up, holding my entire post-surgery swollen abdomen and pelvis, agreed to it all, and left. I called my master’s advisor and said the treatment would continue through the beginning of winter. I found it difficult to breathe and I couldn’t hear what she said, except that she was terribly sorry. It wasn’t just the additional news of the treatment. It was the news coupled with the fact that I had already lost so much prior to this. I’d just spent a week in the hospital before my diagnosis due to severe asthma attack and had to rebuild my lungs. I had put myself through school for all my previous degrees (summa cum laude with my most recent), while co-managing a department and staff, while supporting my household which we lost to foreclosure after my partner lost his job (packing instead of going on a honeymoon) and staying with my mom months at a time to care for her after each of her falls. 

Lorie’s final diagnosis

I continued to focus on my dreams, even after my department closed to a college-wide restructure, my health deteriorated, and I lost my mother. The MSW dream wasn’t meant to be, and it was the first time in my life I couldn’t make the impossible possible for myself. I did not tolerate treatment well. In fact, the following years were spent dealing with the fallout from the radiation and now small nerve neuropathy from the cisplatin. Still, during this time, I became a cervical cancer advocate. Word got out, and I would begin to receive calls from strangers whose loved ones were at end of life. I would hold the hands of the dying after driving to their homes and hospitals. I used my adult-ed teaching and training to raise awareness and educate the community about cervical cancer.

Lorie with Bella striking their Cervi pose.

There is more on the horizon that only those closest to me know about. I am also due to have another major surgery to my abdomen soon and the level of fear is exquisite. Through everything, I am still grateful knowing that I find beauty in the lakes and the trees. Comforted, that I am a part of a community of survivors who hold space for each other. Although my actual cancerversary is November 1, the day I completed treatment, this month I remember the three words that changed my quality of life forever. 

Lorie is a three and half year cervical cancer survivor, thanks to life-changing surgery and cancer treatment. Prior to her diagnosis, Lorie worked in research, employee training and development, case management, workshop facilitating and sales. She now dedicates herself to cancer advocacy and support, community education on cancer and HPV awareness as well as elder and animal rights. Lorie is a community member of Cervivor.

The Power of Setting Boundaries

This past Fall I was a keynote speaker for the Cervical Cancer Summit and spoke about the development of my three word “Why” statement. Why I keep fighting each day, educating and advocating about cervical cancer so that no other woman has to go through what I am going through. Why I speak up, research, question and give it my all. For me, my why statement is “Know Your Existence.”

I want women – and mothers especially – to know that their health and their checkups are equally as important  as their families’. I want minority women, especially in the Asian culture where  below-the-belt subjects are rarely discussed, to know how important their annual women’s health checkups are. I want women to Know Their Existence matters.

For me, part of Know Your Existence also means know what you need, physically and spiritually.  During my talk, I spoke about boundaries and how important it is to set boundaries with friends and loved ones during your cancer journey. Wherever you are in your cancer journey – initial diagnosis, surgery, chemo, radiation, etc. –  boundaries are extremely important. I did not set up boundaries the first time I was diagnosed and, as a result, I often cared too much about how others around me were feeling and dealing with MY diagnosis.

With my recurrence, it was a whole new ball game. For my own health and my own sanity, I put boundaries in place. It was no longer about how others were dealing with what I was going through. It was no longer making sure everybody else was okay. It was no longer about getting together with friends because I would feel bad or felt obligated. It was now about me and what my soul needed.

Everyone has good intentions. They want to be supportive and helpful, but it’s up to you to let your support system know exactly what you need from them.

Becky with members of her “squad” of support.

I do want to stress the importance of a solid support system. But, it’s important to really be in control of who is in your squad. Overall, I have been extremely blessed to have an amazing support system. They listen to what my needs are. They respect me when it takes me days to respond to a text or call because I am not always in the mood to talk. At the end of the day, they know what boundaries I have set in place and they honor them.

Unfortunately, we all have some people in our lives that I like to call “energy vampires.” These are the folks that, though they may mean well, leave you emotionally drained after a conversation because they have literally sucked out the little energy that you do have. When dealing with the trauma and hell that cancer brings into your life, there is no better time to draw some strict boundaries around these folks and the access they have to you.

Unfortunately, I’ve come to learn that some people are just drawn to other people’s suffering and pain and only “show up” because at the end of the day, it really is about them and not you. These are people who might show up for a visit, but at the end of the day leave you feeling like the visit was only to make themselves feel better rather than to make you feel better.

I learned this first-hand when I had a few people who wanted to be there for me only on my chemo days. Almost like they wanted some sort of credit for showing up and sitting with me. Sorry folks, this isn’t school and you don’t get credit for just “showing up.” It is wonderful to have your solid support come visit and sit during those long chemo days, but make sure the people visiting are there for the right reason: YOU. If you want to take a nap while someone is visiting, take a nap. Don’t feel the need to entertain someone. Boundaries people, boundaries. There is no better advocate for yourself than yourself, remember that.

At the end of the day, I just want everyone, not just those who are going through trauma to truly understand how important boundaries are in our lives. I want people to know that it is okay to set boundaries for yourself and to not feel guilty about it. Know that you matter. Know that your voice matters. Know Your Existence.

Becky was originally diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2018, at age 35, and quickly became an active member of the Cervivor community, joining Facebook Group discussions, attending Meet Ups, participating in the September 2019 Cervivor School and becoming a Cervivor Ambassador. Read her Cervivor story and learn how she brings her passion and Cervivor Spark to help stop cervical cancer.