A letter to my mother 20 years after she died from Cervical Cancer

Dear Mom,

I often think of you as my guardian angel and that you can see me. You can see me driving a car fast like you begged me not to do so many times. You see me laughing. You see me with my friends. You see me making a tough decision, and having to be assertive. And when you see me and my brothers, you smile. It’s your big wide, gapped tooth smile. You smile and you put your head down, like I do when I smile. Sometimes with the smile you shake your head. You approve of what you see. You are pleased with us.

Do you know that January is Cervical Cancer Awareness month? Sometimes I really wish that I didn’t know that.  I really wish that the day in 1992 when you told me that you had cervical cancer never happened. Your smile was not there. You were sitting in a chair in your bedroom and you told me that you had cervical cancer. When you said it, your eyes closed and you grabbed your hands together. At the time, to me it felt like you were confessing something. I was too young and naïve to understand that you were scared. You said that there was an 85% survival rate. Because I thought this was a confession, I was relaxed. I relaxed during the whole conversation. There was no way that you would die.  My young, naïve mind said death happened to other peoples’ moms, not my mom.  Besides, I thought to myself, there would be no point of your death. You were too much of a good person.

I remember in 1995 coming to see you in the hospital and I was still relaxed.  My grandma was not. She pulled me into the hospital hallway and said that you were not going to get any better. In that moment, my heart went from the 8th floor of that hospital to laying on the ground on the street below. You were not supposed to die.

But in 1996 you did die. And I was left with a myriad of questions about the thing that took you from us. I did not hear many people talking about cervical cancer. What was HPV? How come you were not part of that 85% that lived?

In 2006, ten years after your death, I met a woman who explained all of this to me. Her name was Tamika and she was on a journey. She was racing to beat the clock to eradicate Cervical Cancer. When I learned about her journey, I saw Tamika and Friends as an army with soldiers. You always taught me to fight. I picked up my weapon and joined ranks with these cervical cancer soldiers. I was never going to let another woman get cervical cancer.

I have learned so much since you have been gone mom. I have learned about Henrietta Lacks, the different strands of HPV that cause cervical cancer, and how it is incredibly important to go to the gynecologist. And I have learned that sometimes bad things happen to good people. It is sad to admit this mom but your death has taught me just as much as your life.

Mom, I am faced with the cold fact that this year, you will have been out of my life for the same amount of time that you were in it.  I hope that you see that the world has changed and that I have changed. You always taught me to help other women and I have been doing that. I once met a girl who was in a job training program. I was doing a group counseling session with her and other young women. We talked about ultimate life goals. The girl had been quiet for most of the group. When it was her turn to say what, she wanted most in the world, she replied, “I just want to make my mother proud.” I touched her hand and I said, “Me too.”

I cannot see you, but the thought that you are smiling at me motivates me on my darkest days. It makes me want to talk to people about cervical cancer, organize communities, be a better mental health provider and be a servant of the Lord.  I do not know if you can really see me, but I have realized that I see you every time I do an act of kindness.

Hugs and kisses.

Your only daughter,

Lilly

This Doesn’t Have To Keep Happening To Women!

It was just a few months ago when I first heard about Joey Feek of Joey and Rory.  It wasn’t because of her angelic voice, her natural beauty, or her kind and happy spirit; she popped up in my newsfeed due to her battle with cervical cancer.  As an advocate, the cervical cancer piece hooked me; all the other wonderful things about her and her family drew me in, and I’ve followed them closely for the last few months via media and her husband’s blog This Life I Live.

The more I read about Joey, the more I realized the similarities we shared, and I found myself somewhat reliving my cancer journey along with her.  Joey was born and raised in central Indiana; so was I.  We were both born in the fall of 1975, less than a month apart.  Both of our lives have been touched by people with special needs; her daughter, my brother and my profession.  I was diagnosed with cervical cancer shortly after giving birth; so was Joey.  We also endured the same initial treatment plan during the beginning phases of our cervical cancer diagnoses, and we both have a strong faith. Following her story has brought back the physical pain of enduring treatments aFB_IMG_1457148363327nd side effects as well as the emotional pain of losing my fertility and the fear of potentially dying as a young mother and wife.   

Sadly, Joey passed away last week, and there’s one thing I can’t get out of my mind:

This doesn’t have to keep happening to women!

The advances in medicine and options available today have the capability to eradicate cervical cancer and to protect not only ourselves, but the women in our lives: our mothers, daughters, sisters, friends, and even our favorite public figures.  While not every woman has easy access to these advances and options, many of us do!  Some women recognize this and take advantage of these opportunities; however, not enough of us are!  Here’s a short list of some opportunities you shouldn’t be missing:

  • Get a well-woman exam EVERY year.
  • Ask for and HPV test (in addition to a Pap test) – not all physicians will automatically do one.
  • Have your daughters AND sons vaccinated for HPV as early as possible at (or as soon after) the recommended ages of 11 or 12.
  • If you’re under 26 and haven’t been vaccinated yet – do so.

Please make sure you’re taking advantage of these opportunities to keep yourself and/or the women in your life from having to go through what myself, Joey Feek, and many other women have had to!  

Cervical cancer is preventable now, and we all have a part to play in eradicating this disease.  What will be your next step?

-Cervivor Ambassador Heather Banks