love

Choosing Better Over Bitter

I’ve learned in life that there are three types of choices: There are easy choices, there are difficult choices and there are choices that are made for you.

Sunday morning, July 26, 2015: He said, “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t love you. You aren’t the woman I married, you have no passion… we are like roommates. CANCER CHANGED YOU.” He said a lot of other things too. And then he was gone.

That Sunday morning was the second time in my life I felt a choice was made for me and I had no say in it.  The previous time was the day I was diagnosed with cancer some 10 years earlier. The months leading up to that Sunday morning I had been to the hospital no fewer than 10 times, I had stayed for a total of 11 days, I had been to the ER probably 5 times, and I had a major surgery and more tests than I could count… I was so sick that Sunday morning, my doctors didn’t know what was wrong with me, and my marriage just came to a screeching halt. That day and the week following I wanted to make what seemed like an easy choice, I wanted to die. I know that may sound morbid and even dramatic, but that seemed to be an easier choice than what laid before me.

Between another hospital stay (a month this time) and some devastating correspondence, I was pushed to my end. I was so low, so exhausted, and simply beat down. The night of my birthday, in late September, I had a life altering conversation with a dear friend who reminded me that I was a survivor. She reminded me that there were people who loved me; my family, friends, and colleagues and even though I felt a great deal of shame, deep down I had to know I had value and purpose. I am not going to sugar coat it, going through a divorce is horrible… divorce after 12 ½ years of marriage is even more horrible. Being told that a disease you didn’t choose was the reason for your spouse leaving is devastating, but I had been through this type of “horrible” a few times before. I could survive this too.

I can’t tell you the exact day, but later that Fall I made a conscious decision to not give up on my life and the hope of love. This was my difficult choice. I knew I had to unpack so many painful things that had existed in my life for years. There was trauma from going through cancer treatment, unhealthy behaviors from a toxic marriage, and even things from my childhood that I had never faced and they were all bubbling at the surface waiting to be let out.  The journey that was ahead was sure to be difficult, but I had to make a decision that I was worth it so that I could live part two of my life as I believe God had always intended. 

For that year, I dedicated myself to weekly therapy. I worked ferociously at weeding out the things that were holding me back, that scared me, and that were hindering me from being all I wanted to be. Believe me when I say that it was an emotional roller coaster, but it was a ride that I would take over and over again, to get to the place I am today.

About a year after that fateful Sunday, my life made a sharp right turn and what would happen over the next year could have never been planned. I know that a series of choices in my life led to me that place that Friday evening. I walked into a restaurant, butterflies in my stomach, and he stood there. He being, the man that would change my life. A couple months earlier I had chosen to dip my toe back into the dating world. Being divorced caused a lot of fear and shame for me, but I worked hard to face that head on and allow a healing process to work in me. 

The healing process after my divorce was much like healing after cancer treatment. The first few months I was emotionally and physically spent. It was hard to do anything and a level of depression existed so much that I just got used to it. Then about six months into it I began to feel like the fog was lifting and I could regain some footing. There were some noticeable side effects and I realized I needed more healing. I continued to trudge on, added some exercise into my routine and started to take care of myself spiritually, emotionally, and physically. About a year into it, I looked back and was amazed at how far I’d come. 

Whether it be from cancer, from grief, or from the end of a relationship, there is no quick fix for healing. That being said, you do have a choice in how it is to happen. I made a choice amidst some pretty devastating circumstances, to live again. I made the choice to believe in healing, to believe that I was lovable, and that I could make part two of my life so much better than part one. 

Today I am married to the man that was standing in the restaurant waiting for me. I continue to seek therapy as I need it, and I continue to take care of myself spiritually, physically and emotionally. I know not everyone’s circumstances are the same as mine, but what I do know is that making the choice to do the hard work of healing allows for so much beauty to come after the tragedy. Following the deep, dark moments of my life that entered that Sunday morning, I can say with satisfaction, I won. I chose to be better, not bitter.

Kristin is a 44 year old elementary school teacher living in San Diego, California. She is a native San Diegan who loves all things sports, hiking, and animals. She loves living life with her husband Hugh, her two stepdaughters, three grand babies and her three dogs. Kristin has been cancer free since December 2005 and she is a 2015 Cervivor School graduate.

Cancer & A Love Story

I fell in love with a woman.  A woman who happens to have had cervical cancer and who is now a Cervivor.  It was not our choice to be so disrupted by the fear and pain that comes with a diagnosis and treatment of cervical cancer – but it is my daily choice, to be with Ana, to be her lover, friend, and champion and enjoy the reciprocation of being her partner. I am a very lucky and proud man!

We are near our 40s, but I happened to have “met” Ana over 20 years ago when we were in high school.  I use quotation marks because we never actually spoke face to face or even made eye contact with each other. But you see, Ana was a cheerleader and two years older than me, so I sure knew who she was…and as you may have guessed, she had absolutely no idea I even existed.

Ana and I went about our separate lives, each obtaining degrees and starting our careers. During this time Ana had two wonderful children (who I now proudly call my own), but I had no idea our paths would ever cross again. Yet, as I reflect on the random events in life that brought us together, it all seems so serendipitous that there must be a higher purpose/meaning to it all.

 As fate would have it, we began working together at the same school – I as a counselor and she as the Special Education Specialist.  It was at this point I really began to develop a deep friendship with Ana.  We had lots of excuses to talk and joke around, but she and I seemed to spend more time together than I did with most other colleagues. People began to ask about our relationship and if anything more than friendship was there. We dismissed them as silly rumors, but as the time we spent together increased, so did our bond.

During our work together, Ana received the life-altering diagnosis of cervical cancer. She went out on medical leave, and I missed her.  I was worried but didn’t truly understand what she was going through – not only as an individual with cancer who was scared and worn down but also as a single mother who had two children who needed her now and in the future.  We stayed in contact during her treatment, when she had the energy to do so.  I felt a strange honor, to have been called on to offer support in this dark and uncertain time.  I knew our friendship was deepening and it was becoming more than just a friendship.

Thankfully, Ana is tough as they come and had successful medical interventions. She was cleared for cancer after six months of treatment and was able to return to work – life was supposed to return to normal.

She and I had been through some intense times together, and we had each moved to different schools, so when she invited me to her birthday party, my stomach was full of butterflies – is this really going to happen? Am I going to date a mother of two and someone who has been through such serious medical scares?  “What am I doing?”  was a constant thought.

But I sat with my thoughts.  I shared them with my family and friends.  I shared them with Ana.  I ultimately settled on the fact that, I love this woman, I want to be in her life and the lives of her kids, and what would have happened if we found out a diagnosis down the road instead of knowing it now? Would that have made my choice any different?  I knew that life has no guarantees for the future, and I do my best to live by the Serenity Prayer – changing what I can and accepting what I cannot – and I choose to be with Ana and accept her as she is – in all of her awesomeness and humanness.

Being with Ana (who I can now proudly call my fiancé) and the kids has brought me some of my most intense moments of joy and happiness, but it has been tough being a caretaker at times. About two months after we began dating, we received the devastating news that Ana needed to have a hysterectomy, and then more complications followed that.  The first year of our dating life was spent in and out of hospitals and ERs, with Ana in almost constant pain, and with much of our times spent just sitting and talking because that is all the strength she had to do. This isn’t how most relationships start.  But it forced us to lean on one another and our bond became stronger instantly because of what we endured together as a couple.

I have learned so much from Ana and her network of Cervivors – what it means to be resilient, how to live with purpose in the face of fear, and how to be honest, often brutally honest,  about how life has been forever changed due to the diagnosis, treatment, recovery, side effects, and how all of this sparked in many a deep sense of purpose towards advocacy and public health awareness.  And this learning has not been easy.  This is not the way life was “supposed” to be. Cancer was not in my dreams of the future when I thought of how my life would turn out.  Yet, despite the struggles, which I do not wish anyone to go through, I have found my partner in this world and I’m forever grateful for having Ana in my life.  She is amazing, and she has suffered.  But it is this combination of the beautiful and the ugly parts of life that make it what it is and make her the woman I love.

To the partners, lovers, caretakers of these wonderful women, life can be great if you choose to see it that way.  I make conscious efforts to remember that nothing in life is guaranteed, yet I am empowered enough to know that I can find joy in any moment if I choose to look for beauty, strength, connection, compassion and take the time to truly appreciate what it means to be with someone in this life together.  Please know that despite what life throws at you (and your partner), you have choices to make. I make the choice every day to be with Ana and the kids, and I couldn’t be happier with the woman who came into my life, and who now is – my life.

Jeff is the proud fiancé of a Cervivor, and happy step-dad to two lovely and energetic children.  He calls Palo Alto, CA his home and works as a middle school counselor in the district he grew up attending.  Jeff is also in private practice as a therapist where he enjoys serving teens and their families as they work on improving their lives or developing acceptance and peace.  Jeff was honored to share his story with the Cervivor community.