Gratitude Awakening

Dogwood in bloom.

A sense of deep gratitude is something that I have carried with me since finishing treatment for cervical cancer. Especially during those first phases of recovery when you feel like you’re stepping out of the fog and back into the world. It was overwhelming to go outside and have my lungs fill with fresh air, feel sun on my skin, and to finally have an ounce of energy with which to enjoy it. I would walk my dog every day and take it all in with my (cautious) sense of victory over cancer. No phone to distract me, just the awe of what once felt so mundane.

Cervivor School Cape Cod 2018

Like so many of my Cervivor sisters, I had a complete shift in my mindset after going through cancer. There’s a level of gratitude attained after being isolated and having your mortality hanging over you like a dark cloud every single minute.

The sick feeling is so strong that it’s hard to imagine ever being able to feel better. I remember spending those hard days thinking about what I would do once it was all over. I mainly daydreamed about family gatherings with yummy meals, or spending time out in nature. The shift in mindset also pertained to relationships. I was alive, and ready to live my best life. That meant deciding what, and who, was worth my time and effort. It meant ditching behaviors that didn’t serve my purpose, and creating boundaries where needed to stay true to what was important to me.

In this uncertain time of the COVID-19 pandemic, the whole world is getting a taste of what it’s like to be threatened by their environment, stuck with their worries and no sense of control over any of it. I see friends beginning to talk about what they’ll do after this is over, and what I see is so similar to my own experience. People aren’t talking about going on a lavish vacation; they just want to get their nails done. Or hug a neighbor. See a movie in the theater. Catch up with friends in person. Not have to disinfect groceries. Normal, everyday activities that were previously taken for granted are now desperate aspirations. That is what it feels like all the time for those fighting cancer, but at an even more basic level. Personally, I dreamed to be able to walk four feet to the bathroom without breaking a sweat. Not having to be bathed by my partner while holding the wall for support. Feeling fresh air on my face and having real light shine down on me after recovering indoors for so long. Walking up a flight of steps all by myself. Holding down food. I learned that being mad about my situation didn’t make it go away. There was no workaround. The only way out was through. 

Pretty Azaleas blooming in my yard.

Having been faced with all that and making it through to the other side, I was going to start living my life unapologetically and with a renewed sense of appreciation for what matters at the core. When you can no longer do such simple functions, you learn what matters in life, and what really doesn’t— like the ten extra pounds gained from coping with a very scary time.

My hope is that when the pandemic is over and everyone can come out of their homes and go back to work, that a prevailing sense of gratitude will make the world a bit softer of a place to be, for the short time that we’re here to enjoy it. I hope people will see that the time to live your life is now. I hope when regular life resumes, and it will be that ever present “new normal” us cancer survivors so often speak of, that people don’t forget what it was like to have the rug yanked from under them by circumstances beyond their control. Hard times make us strong and perspective, makes us compassionate. I am grateful that we still have the wonder of the outdoors to soothe our souls, Zoom to see our friends, and for the people working so hard to keep us safe and healthy. 

Mary Baker is a three year survivor of stage 3B cervical cancer. She is an advocate for women’s health, a mom of two and proud Cervivor Ambassador and Cervivor School graduate. 

Thanksgiving with a Side of Gratitude (or Not)

Thanksgiving is a big meal, and the main course of the holiday is gratitude.

Cervivor is a place to get real. So let’s put this on our holiday table: is gratitude easy or tough for you? As cancer survivors, can we confess that we sometimes have a tricky on-again off-again relationship with gratitude? If you’ve just received a diagnosis, gratitude is the last thing on your mind. It wasn’t on my mind in the chemotherapy chair.

As a survivor, I am epically, hugely, ginormously (seriously!) grateful for every day that I have. But that is mixed, still – 18 years later – with the feelings about my lost fertility and, on a bad day, frustration about my ongoing health battles with the after-effects of cancer.

The reassuring part is, I know I’m not alone. I just need to turn to Cervivor Stories and the Cervivor blog to know that others are riding with me on the emotional rollercoaster of the holiday season. I’m feeling grateful to the Cervivors who wrote so honestly about their own gratitude struggles. Thank you for keeping it real. And honest.

 “I wasn’t in a spirit for any holiday after receiving my diagnosis. Everything had gone dark. That year there was no giving thanks on Thanksgiving, no tree for Christmas. What was the sense of doing all that if I felt uncertain about my life? It took a while for me to feel ready to fight back. It was a difficult journey, but I got a second shot at life. Now, I give thanks every day as if it were Thanksgiving Day. I celebrate each day and see it as a gift given to me like a Christmas present. There’s so much I want to do, and I don’t take anything for granted. I see life differently now. Problems that seemed huge are not so big anymore. I really don’t sweat the small stuff.”  – Patti

It’s perfectly normal after cancer to have feelings of depression and anxiety. However, once we acknowledge them, we get to CHOOSE what to do with them… Since cancer, I choose to live in a different state of mind. Cancer brings you face to face with mortality, death, and time. Once I began to digest my mortality, it changed my mindset toward every single thing.

I no longer look at the holiday season with the same weight and importance as when I was a child. I still love them, and Christmas is STILL my favorite. But I live with much more intention and purpose now. Every day is Christmas because for me it’s a state of mind that I choose.  New Years’ Eve brings hope and excitement, but I am just as excited about the next 365 days of opportunity and growth.  This shift isn’t something that just happens. For me, it takes a bit of work.” – Holly

It’s hard to feel grateful when you are nauseous, exhausted, depleted, and in pain.  That’s ok!  I would go into a cycle of feeling depressed, and then get mad at myself for not being more thankful that I would make it out of this alive. My boyfriend would constantly tell me, “You’re ‘should-ing’ on yourself again.” 

Going through cancer is hard enough, and the side effects both during and after treatment are draining (to put it mildly).  We should at least be able to give ourselves a break… People write inspirational and positive blogs to give others strength and hope, and to advocate for change, and all of that is useful and wonderful.  But sometimes it is nice to hear that people are struggling with the same crappy emotions that you are. We all have those moments of sheer frustration and anger and complete debilitating sadness over the hand we have been dealt, and that is ok too.” – Ana

This past year has been a process.  A process of grief, depression, anxiety, anger and many tears, as well as gratitude, blessings and opportunity.” – Megan

I had so much unresolved grief and unanswered questions. Cervivor help me settle some things within myself and fulfill the need I have for service to honor my mom. I am so thankful that Cervivor has once made me believe that I can go on. I can go on and help fight cervical cancer.” – Lillian

Do these reflections resonate with you?

What are you grateful for, and what are your gratitude struggles?

Please share in the comments below. We are here to listen and we are here to support you.

Tamika Felder is an 18-year cervical cancer survivor and award-winning women’s health advocate. She is the Chief Visionary at Cervivor – a nonprofit dedicated to cervical cancer advocacy and support. Named a “Cancer Rebel” by Newsweek in a 2017 cover story, Tamika is a highly sought-after speaker on cervical cancer advocacy, cancer prevention, HPV education, and living life with purpose after cancer. She is the author of “Seriously, What Are You Waiting For? 13 Actions To Ignite Your Life & Achieve The Ultimate Comeback.” Tamika currently serves on the steering committee of the National HPV Vaccination Roundtable. She’s also shared her story and experiences on Presidential Cancer Panels convened by the White House. An award-winning television producer, Tamika is currently filming a documentary about cervical cancer, the women living with it, and the vaccine to prevent it.  Her story of patient-to-advocate / survivor-to-Cervivor inspires and mentors not only patients and medical communities, but anyone who has struggled with obstacles in their life.