Michelle

Cancerversary: July 2020

Age at diagnosis: 36

Diagnosis: Adenocarcinoma

Stage of cancer: IB2

How my story begins: Last November I began spot bleeding after sex. I didn't think much of it. I was a healthy 36 year old. I had delayed my Pap test, which was about a year overdue at that point but I didn't think much of it because cancer was something that happened to other people. On the 5th February, I had a really heavy bleed after sex and as I was due to go abroad with work the following week, I decided to go to my GP just to have it checked out. My GP told me to make my way immediately to the A&E (accident & emergency unit) at the maternity hospital. I remember she said "don't stop for coffee; go straight there." I phoned my husband and asked him to meet me there. He wasn't aware that I had been bleeding as I didn't think it was a big deal. When I got to the hospital they told me there was a growth and I would need a colposcopy and biopsy which was scheduled for the following week. I still thought it would be nothing and didn't consider cervical cancer until I got a phone call on the 24th February asking me to come in. On the 26th, I was told I had cervical cancer.

Life before my diagnosis: I was a healthy full time working mom to two amazing kids. My life was busy busy busy but I loved it like that. I worked 60/70 hours a week then rushed home to bring the kids to activities. My weekends were filled with matches and activities.

How I felt after diagnosis: I was stunned. This didn't happen to people like me! I immediately thought of my kids and the possibility that I wouldn't be around to see them graduate school, college or get married. I was extremely grateful that I had my children so young, as I was told that the radical hysterectomy I needed would mean the loss of my fertility. I was scared but also determined to do whatever it took to improve my chances of seeing my kids grow up.

Telling my family and friends: I couldn't face telling my parents so I phoned them and told them not to worry and that I was going to be okay. I had a lot of guilt for delaying my Pap test and now causing this heartache to my parents and husband. The hardest thing I've ever had to do was tell my children aged 11 and 10, but I decided it was best to do it alone so that it wouldn't seem like such a big deal as it would if both me and my husband sat them down. I explained everything to them and what treatment was planned as simply as I could. I tried my best to answer all their questions and joke a little with them. After telling them and ensuring that they were okay, I went into the bathroom and sobbed. Knowing my children were worrying about me is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to accept.

My treatment: After my PET scan there was concern that the cancer had spread to a lymph node so I had to have a biopsy of the lymph node before treatment was confirmed. Thankfully it had not spread to the lymph nodes and I underwent a radical hysterectomy with ovary and lymph node removal on the 31st March 2020. The histology done after my surgery showed that the cancer had spread to localised blood cells so it was determined that I would then undergo 25 sessions of radiotherapy just as reassurance that all cancer cells had been removed/destroyed.

How I felt after treatment: My treatment finished in July 2020 and I'm still struggling to come to terms with it, if I'm honest. I'm grieving the loss of my fertility whilst I do appreciate and I am very grateful for the fact that I am one of a lucky few who was blessed with children. I also struggle with being in menopause at 36 years of age and all the side effects that comes with that. I am fearful of a recurrence although I try my best to dismiss the idea and enjoy the now. Cancer has made me face my mortality, which can be overwhelming. It changes your view on life and makes you appreciate all the things that you took for granted and not worry about the stuff that really doesn't matter.

What was most difficult for me: The heartache and worry my diagnosis has caused my husband, parents and children has been extremely hard for me to witness. I have also struggled with the loss of my fertility.

What I did to help myself: I've resolved to look after myself more as I now realise that my health affects all those that I love. I always put my self care to the bottom of my priority list before cancer but I realise now that the most loving thing I can do for those I love is to look after myself. I have become a lot more spiritual, I practice meditation, yoga and journal every day. I have learned to slow down and enjoy the now instead of always rushing to and focusing on what's next.

My life after cancer: I am still working full time but work is no longer my main focus in life. While I'm still ambitious, achieving my goals in life is no longer at any cost. I have a much better work-life balance nowadays. I make the most of the time I get to spend with my children and will never forget how lucky I am to have them, no matter what the future holds I want to create memories with them that will last time a lifetime. I have a deeper love for my husband which I never thought possible and I am assured of his love for me. I am happier in myself and no longer worry about what other people think. I no longer feel that I have to prove myself to anyone. I have come to the realisation that self care is a necessity and not an act of selfishness.

Where I am today: I am finished treatment six months now (January 2021) and just coming up to my 1 year cancerversary of diagnosis so I'm still very early on in my recovery and have a long way to go. Some days I'm overwhelmed by everything that has happened and other days I'm grateful for the opportunity to re evaluate my life and realise what's truly important to me as strange as that sounds. I have a long road to go and I'm still experiencing side effects from treatment such as fatigue and bowel issues, but I try to just live day by day and not worry too much about what tomorrow might bring. I have struggled to have sex since my treatment. It is painful and uncomfortable and if I'm honest I'm unsure if I will ever be able to have regular sex again. I'm 36 years old, so this a big issue for me which I hope I will resolve in time. Thankfully I am blessed to have a loving and understanding husband. I mention this side effect as I believe it is one which many Cervivors suffer from, but one which isn't talked about as much as the others.

What I want other women to know: Prioritise Pap tests, don't ever be too busy to attend as they are vital. I never had any abnormalities on previous Pap tests. At the time of diagnosis, my Pap test was just 2 years overdue. Any bleeding outside of your normal period should always be reported to your doctor. It won't typically be cancer but there is no harm in having it checked out regardless. If you don't make time for your health, you will be forced to make time for illness.

How I will try to help others: I want to share my story as I feel that if even one woman books her Pap test that she's been putting off after hearing my story, it won't be for nothing. I also try encourage my friends and family to look into the HPV vaccine. I explain that all I've been through could have been easily prevented. When they express fears about reported side effects of the vaccine, I always say the treatment for cervical cancer is a lot worse and life changing than any of the possible side effects from the vaccine.