The Power of Setting Boundaries

This past Fall I was a keynote speaker for the Cervical Cancer Summit and spoke about the development of my three word “Why” statement. Why I keep fighting each day, educating and advocating about cervical cancer so that no other woman has to go through what I am going through. Why I speak up, research, question and give it my all. For me, my why statement is “Know Your Existence.”

I want women – and mothers especially – to know that their health and their checkups are equally as important  as their families’. I want minority women, especially in the Asian culture where  below-the-belt subjects are rarely discussed, to know how important their annual women’s health checkups are. I want women to Know Their Existence matters.

For me, part of Know Your Existence also means know what you need, physically and spiritually.  During my talk, I spoke about boundaries and how important it is to set boundaries with friends and loved ones during your cancer journey. Wherever you are in your cancer journey – initial diagnosis, surgery, chemo, radiation, etc. –  boundaries are extremely important. I did not set up boundaries the first time I was diagnosed and, as a result, I often cared too much about how others around me were feeling and dealing with MY diagnosis.

With my recurrence, it was a whole new ball game. For my own health and my own sanity, I put boundaries in place. It was no longer about how others were dealing with what I was going through. It was no longer making sure everybody else was okay. It was no longer about getting together with friends because I would feel bad or felt obligated. It was now about me and what my soul needed.

Everyone has good intentions. They want to be supportive and helpful, but it’s up to you to let your support system know exactly what you need from them.

Becky with members of her “squad” of support.

I do want to stress the importance of a solid support system. But, it’s important to really be in control of who is in your squad. Overall, I have been extremely blessed to have an amazing support system. They listen to what my needs are. They respect me when it takes me days to respond to a text or call because I am not always in the mood to talk. At the end of the day, they know what boundaries I have set in place and they honor them.

Unfortunately, we all have some people in our lives that I like to call “energy vampires.” These are the folks that, though they may mean well, leave you emotionally drained after a conversation because they have literally sucked out the little energy that you do have. When dealing with the trauma and hell that cancer brings into your life, there is no better time to draw some strict boundaries around these folks and the access they have to you.

Unfortunately, I’ve come to learn that some people are just drawn to other people’s suffering and pain and only “show up” because at the end of the day, it really is about them and not you. These are people who might show up for a visit, but at the end of the day leave you feeling like the visit was only to make themselves feel better rather than to make you feel better.

I learned this first-hand when I had a few people who wanted to be there for me only on my chemo days. Almost like they wanted some sort of credit for showing up and sitting with me. Sorry folks, this isn’t school and you don’t get credit for just “showing up.” It is wonderful to have your solid support come visit and sit during those long chemo days, but make sure the people visiting are there for the right reason: YOU. If you want to take a nap while someone is visiting, take a nap. Don’t feel the need to entertain someone. Boundaries people, boundaries. There is no better advocate for yourself than yourself, remember that.

At the end of the day, I just want everyone, not just those who are going through trauma to truly understand how important boundaries are in our lives. I want people to know that it is okay to set boundaries for yourself and to not feel guilty about it. Know that you matter. Know that your voice matters. Know Your Existence.

Becky was originally diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2018, at age 35, and quickly became an active member of the Cervivor community, joining Facebook Group discussions, attending Meet Ups, participating in the September 2019 Cervivor School and becoming a Cervivor Ambassador. Read her Cervivor story and learn how she brings her passion and Cervivor Spark to help stop cervical cancer.

What Do Black History Month and World Cancer Day (Feb. 4) Have In Common?

Advancements in the understanding and treatment of cervical cancer are inextricably intertwined with Black History Month. Why? Because the “HeLa cells” used in the scientific research that generated the HPV vaccines were from the cells of Henrietta Lacks, a Black woman who lost her life to cervical cancer in 1951, at age 31.

Physicians at Johns Hopkins University, where Lacks was treated, cultured cells from her tumors for medical research (notably, without her or her family’s knowledge or consent). Her cells survived, thrived, and multiplied outside her body, so much so that they have been in continual use in labs around the world. HeLa cells have helped change the course of modern medicine, contributing to medical breakthroughs including the development of the polio vaccine, and treatments for cancer, HIV/AIDS, leukemia, and Parkinson’s disease. HeLa cells were also of course instrumental to the development of the HPV vaccines.

Today in America, Blacks face the highest death rate and lowest survival rate of any racial or ethnic group for most cancers. This is certainly true for cervical cancer. Although in the U.S. cervical cancer occurs most often in Hispanic women, Black women tend to have lower 5-year survival rates and die from the disease more often than any other race.  In fact, they have twice the cervical cancer mortality rate compared to white women, according to the American Cancer Society. Henrietta Lacks, through her children and grandchildren, is continuing to have impact and address disparities. 

The Henrietta Lacks Enhancing Cancer Research Act

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Federal legislation focused on closing health gaps and improving access to clinical trials for people of color was signed into law in January 2021: the “Henrietta Lacks Enhancing Cancer Research Act” now mandates the government to reduce barriers to enrollment for underrepresented populations in federally-funded cancer clinical trials.

“While cancer impacts everyone, it does not affect everyone equally,” says Lisa Lacasse, president of the American Cancer Society Cancer Action Network. “The Henrietta Lacks Enhancing Cancer Research Act is critical to changing this reality, improving cancer outcomes and reducing health disparities in this country.” The newly enacted law builds upon Henrietta Lacks’ legacy by ensuring equitable access to advancements in cancer treatment for all people.

Learn More About Henrietta Lacks on World Cancer Day (Feb. 4)

In recognition of Black History Month (February) and World Cancer Day (Feb. 4) is a special virtual event: Henrietta Lacks’ great-granddaughter Veronica Robinson will host a conversation with the American Cancer Society Cancer Action Network’s VP of Federal Advocacy & Strategic Alliances, Keysha Brooks-Coley to discuss the new legislation, its importance and its intended impact on addressing some of the cancer disparities in our country. The event will be held Thursday, Feb. 4 at 1:00 PM ET on Zoom and Facebook Live.  Learn more and register.