healing

My Security Blanket

Some cancer patients who undergo chemotherapy treatments opt to have a medi-port implanted. Sounds bionic right? Super powers you will not have but this is a pain-free way to receive systemic treatments and blood draws. 

I was holding on to Porsche, my PowerPort™ partly as a security blanket of sorts. I have recurrent, metastatic cervical cancer and for five years she was working pretty much non-stop. 

Port flush day

When you’re port isn’t in use, you have it flushed with saline every three months or so. Kind of inconvenient but I kept it up and each time Porsche grew increasingly defiant. I had to practically stand on my head to get her to give a blood return. Clearly, she was tired and I didn’t blame her.

I’ve been NEND (no evidence of new disease) for four years now so I thought it was time to let her go. I just didn’t think I’d be doing it during a pandemic when maybe being in a hospital wasn’t the first place you’d want to be.

Once I made peace with my COVID fear, what really hit me as I walked into the hospital was that I was doing this alone. No partner, no kids, no parents, no friends. I never had to go through any previous surgeries without this support. I always had a hand to hold and a familiar face to see. 

What made the experience better was the amazing pre-op team. It felt good to talk with the nurses about their work during COVID, and I was just so grateful to them. Their care has always been exceptional but it felt broader this time.

Surgery was a breeze, and my doctor even showed me Porsche so I could thank her one last time for all her hard work. One of my breast cancer besties said that some people are decorating their ports as keepsakes! 

I love that we all decide how to move through our traumas in our own way. Bedazzling ports, getting special tattoos, sharing our experiences on social media, or simply holding space for our hurt. Whatever speaks to you is the best way to heal.

Carol is our Lead Cervivor Ambassador who manages our Cervivor MeetUp program and heads our CCAM 2021 Committee. She was named our 2020 Cervivor Champion award recipient. Carol lives in Northern California where she raised two amazing kids and hikes with her husband and their fur baby Ace.

Surviving Through Music

Our world is feeling great pain and uncertainty right now. Cervivor created a music video to show hope, love and strength within our cancer community but it reaches far beyond cancer — the message is truly universal.

The song that inspired this video, The Will to BE, was written by my caregiver and husband Pete. I love being married to a musician because our house is always filled with great music. Pete says that creating music from his heart for the world to hear, makes him feel like in some small way, he’s creating happiness.

During my cervical cancer diagnosis, multiple treatments and surgeries and three reoccurrences, Pete’s music truly lifted me up and gave me the spark I needed. His music was always on my ‘Chemo Playlist’ and I’d listen to it when I just needed to calm my mind and body.

Cervivor created a music video to show hope, love and strength within our cancer community but it reaches far beyond cancer — the message is truly universal.

Pete also knows all the women of Cervivor through their stories. These stories are the fabric of this song, weaving through emotions we carry as cancer patients, survivors and thrivers.

In 2017, California was experiencing literal storms and relentless rainfall. Everything around us was falling apart with no end in sight. During one of those storms, Cervivor founder, Tamika Felder asked Pete to write some music for Cervivor. 

He immediately drew parallels with the storms and cancer which inspired the opening lyric, “Been a long rainy season. The tides and winds headstrong. It batters our lives and we don’t know for how long.”

When you have cancer you give up a lot normalcy in your life and it doesn’t change when or if your cancer ends. You look at life differently; you are navigating through uncharted waters. 

Sometimes you’re drowning in fear and it takes every ounce of strength to get through the day. We hold on to hope, this four-letter word that becomes our lifeline. 

This song speaks to anyone who has faced deep hardships. The women featured in this video are beautiful and real. We are your neighbors. We are sisters, daughters, mothers, aunties and cancer is forever part of our lives. But we refuse to let cancer define us. We are living our lives and not forgetting what brings us joy.

The Will to BE is a song of truth and unpredictability but importantly the will to be loved and strong and needing to belong.

We hope that this song and video will fill your heart and show you that despite what cancer takes away, it leaves space for us to fill with gratitude and hope.

Pete and Cervivor Ambassador Carol live in Northern California with their fur baby, Ace the Dog, who can be usually be found at Pete’s feet in his music studio. They also have two amazing grown kids, Michael and Sydney, who are Carol’s inspiration to thrive.